March 15, 2006

• Once Upon a Mattress…

  Once upon a time, there was a newlywed couple. Hand-in-hand, they went to the furniture store to make their first “big” purchase together–a mattress.  They chose what they could afford (not much), and eagerly awaited the arrival of their new bed to their brown-paneled,  basement apartment.

  The mattress supported them and cradled them and soon held another person–their newborn baby.  A leaky diaper, a spit up here and there, a spilled bottle–all of these dribbled on to the mattress.

  Then, the mattress went for a ride to Ohio where the not-really-newlyweds-anymore set up their second home and welcomed their second child. Some nights, there were four bodies on the bed, although some of them were rather small. 

  Another trip, this one much shorter, and the mattress found itself in another new home, albeit with the familiar box springs by its side. A third baby joined the fray, and then a fourth.  By this time, the mattress had juice spilled on it, been bled upon, and experienced potty-training toddlers in the middle of the night. Another ride, another baby. Another ride–this one much longer, all the way to PA–and the mattress was almost back where it had started. It had witnessed countless colds, stomach flus, and even scarlet fever.

   By this time, the mattress’s springs had started to be noticeable through the now-flattened padding.  The couple passed their tenth anniversary, and the woman said, “I think we might need a new mattress.” But, being frugal folks, they just bought an eggshell mattress topper and went on with life.

  The mattress, happy though it was to be serving, continued to grow harder and flatter as the years wore on.   There was a definite dent in the center.  One eggshell mattress wasn’t enough to hide the springs, so a second was added.  “I really think we should get a new mattress,” the woman said on the couple’s fifteenth anniversary.  “I think you’re right,” the man answered. 

  So, they began The Quest for the New Mattress.  The woman was much more interested in the Quest than the man, as the man could fall asleep on a pile of gravel.  She researched some prices, went to a few mattress stores and tried them out, and finally found exactly what she wanted. 

  Then, the summer trip cost more money than they thought it would.

  Then it was Christmas.

  Then the washer broke.

  Then, when they had the money again, the price of mattresses went up 15% due to the major mattress foam manufacturing plants being wiped out in Hurricane Katrina.  “I’ll wait,” said the woman.

  Finally, there was hope.  A furniture store sale flyer appeared in the mailbox.  “A third off everything in the store with an additional ten percent off the sale price!” the flyer proclaimed. The man and the woman decided to check it out.

  Once they arrived at the store, the eager mattress salesman told them more than they ever wanted to know about mattresses.  He even demonstrated how nerves become entrapped due to a worn out mattress. He did this by facing the man and grabbing the man’s arms at the shoulders and squeezing really hard for several minutes. The woman was in silent hysterical laughter over this situation, but she maintained her composure.

  After the couple had lain on many mattresses, the salesman came back.  “We just don’t want to spend $1300 on a mattress,” the woman sighed.  “Oh, he replied. Well, we have the Royal collection for $2300.” This fact was not stated in a joking way.  After regarding him quizzically, the woman replied, “We don’t want to pay $2300 either.”   The man looked sad.

  The couple asked him about the sale flyer (of which he seemed to have no knowledge even though it was the last day of the sale and there were huge posters every ten feet proclaiming the sale).  They determined that the mattress they liked the most would be on sale. “We’d like to buy it!” the couple gladly proclaimed.

  This proved to be a bit harder than they thought as the poor mattress salesman was unable to figure out what 33% of the original price was. He kept typing things into his calculator and was finally satisfied with a number and was about to write it down when it was pointed out to him, “Uh, all you did was subtract $33.00 from the original price. That’s not 33%.”  After explaining to the mattress salesman how to find 33% and then the additional 10%, the transaction was made. The new mattress will arrive on the 24th.

  Perhaps you think that the old mattress was so well-loved that it will become real. Perhaps you think that next summer, if the woman looks under a bush, she will say, “My! That looks just like my old mattress which I lost when I had scarlet fever!” But you will be wrong.  There is no Velveteen Mattress.

  • 11:15 pm
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